[A picture of a hideously fat woman at a drive thru]
{{Jim: Hey, it’s that fat guy from Austin Powers! Silly movie makers, you should always take off the hilariously unrealistic fat suit before letting Mike Meyers drive home.
{{Marcus: Her (?) arm looks like that stack of round children’s plastic donuts you see in doctor’s waiting rooms.
{{Jim: How dare you drag the good name of children’s stacking toys through the mud?
{{Marcus: Because I’m filled with anger and hate, Jim.
{{Jim: Redirect that anger and hate towards that lady, who’s clearly eaten an entire African country’s worth of food.
{{Marcus: I think if she fell into a campfire it would burn for seven days and seven nights.
{{Jim: She’s the new Hanukkah.
{{Marcus: The menorah? Nah, that’s her fork.
{{Jim: I can see that all too well.
{{Marcus: I heard that, according to the ancient stories, the Wise Men brought three gifts to her.
{{Marcus: The first was a gallon of butter.
{{Marcus: The second was a year’s worth of Prilosec.
{{Marcus: And the third was an industrial lathe with a thoroughly-cooked steer inside.

***

{{GX: For that, I could work in North Carolina and not have to worry about living on a freaking peninsula.
{{Jim: What’s wrong with a peninsula? You racist.
{{GX: A peninsula is a land wang.

***

Marcus: Whitney, take your vice: the sweet scent of tobacco… or corn.

***

Jim: Problem is, there’s just so much porn to look through. You can only see so much of it in one life time.

***

Jim: Honey is awful.
Derek: Honey is amazing!
Jim: If you’re brain damaged.
Derek: Consider me brain damaged!
Jim: I do!

***

Dean: Oh man, I don’t know why you guys hang out with me at all.
Jim: Nor do I, Dean.
Dean: Here’s some money.

***

Jim: It’s a shame that the end of the world is in nine months. And this isn’t the fake end of the world like when we went to the strip club, it’s the real one.

***

{{Some Guy: Speaking of which, how have all of you been?
{{Jim: I’ve been a smoking corpse in the field.

Jim: I wonder if buttsex.com is a website.
Marcus: Yeah.
Jim: Oh?
Marcus: Oh, I thought you said ButteSects.com, which is a site that lists all the religious organizations around the town of Butte, Montana.

***

Super Dave: Jim’s reasons for things are fun.
Jim: I usually don’t have a reason for more than a few seconds before I say them.

***

Marcus: You do get a hard on for conspiracies.
Jim: HAARP makes me hard.

***

Dac: I greater than three you.
Derek: I think that’s supposed to be less than three.
Dac: …I suck at math. And love.

***

Jim: You’re like the little bits in Lucky Charms that aren’t marshmallows.

***

Jim: That’s between me and Chris.
TJ: My groin sensors are tingling.

***

Trevor: Which means you’re shooting your ass in the foot.

***

Ryan: What’s our intended pattern of propagation?
Jim: Well, I only intended on getting two or three people pregnant tonight.
Ryan: Okay, I asked for that.

***

{{Jim: You should call your game Settlers of Marctan.
{{Marcus: Fuck you.
{{Jim: Or Marcassonne.
{{Jim: That one’s better with your name, but the pieces aren’t hexagonal. Also you hate me.

***

Jim: I’m going to cautiously approach it.
Marcus: I’m going to cautiously deproach it by going away.

***

Jim: Marcus, you’re not allowed to know that. You don’t believe in God.

***

{{Jim: Also, I stabbed your future children.
{{GX: I hope they deserved it.
{{Jim: Well, one of them was punching kitties, and the other one was running for president on the Green Party.

***

Ryan: We need to double team a chick, Marcus.

***

Ryan: With you two trying to get me laid and Marcus’s permanent apathy, this will be great!

***

Ryan: I’m really excited when Marcus kills me to see how he does it. Like, I hope it’s something I get to see coming and not something lame like, “Oh, my brakes are gone.”

***

Jim: I think Marcus just had a grand mal seizure.

Jim: I can’t tell if she’s asleep or just hates you.

***

Ryan: Some say he drinks paint and that he’s the only man who ever bought a car from Bed, Bath, and Beyond. All we know is that he’s called the Stig.

***

Joe Mack: Ryan dicked me over by dying.

***

Ryan: What’s your favorite planet? I bet it’s Mars-cus.
Jim: I… I kinda want to punch you and make you flip over the stanchion.

***

Jim: Does it bother you that I proxy snogged your boyfriend?
Krysty: No.
Jim: Because it bothers me a lot.

***

Jim: But Joe makes a better door than a window, but his doorknob is too small.

{{Joe Mack: Why? There’s no need to really do that… Everyone knows the rules or space-time are meant to be broken.
{{Jim: Not broken. Just bent like a tornado bends a grain silo.
{{Joe Mack: Not… Seeing much difference there… Unless it was like a category 0.5
{{Jim: Hey, if the grain silo is in one piece it’s not broken, even if it’s 4 miles away and crushed like a pop can.

***

Whitney: The Chipettes were in this movie as well.
Ryan: There’s some really good hentai of the Chi-
Jim: You didn’t end that sentence nearly early enough.

***

{{Jim: Wait. Why is Penn State, literally Pennsylvania State University, holding a meeting in New York City?
{{GX: Because dumbassery’s afoot.

***

{{TJ: Thank you. You may now return to your Dr. Who showings or whatever it is you actually do.
{{Jim: I partake in continuous cellular respiration
{{TJ: Yeah, yeah, I could hear your Krebs cycle from miles away.

***

Yuki: What should I buy my friends for Christmas?
Jim: You should buy ME some-
Yuki: I can’t afford you.

***

{{Jim: 7:15, Yusei?
{{Marcus: Why yes I do, Qwert.

***

Jim: You should date Sebastian Vettel.
Marcus: He’s too damn happy.
Jim: That’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard.

***

Ryan: People don’t die. They have a gearbox failure.

***

Ryan: You’re all either stupid or mean. There is no middle ground with any of you.

***

{{GX: Tell Marcus to eff off.
{{GX: XD
{{Jim: Yeah, but you already told me to tell my mom that and that panned out horribly.
{{GX: In my defense, you’re making all the wrong choices.

Jim: I didn’t realize this game was going to become so homoerotic.
Ryan: Well, Marcus is here. [Laughs lecherously]

***

Jim: When you do science, what do you do?
Marcus: I blindly drink chemicals.

***

Jim: The worst they’ll do is beat you with billy clubs.
Ryan: And I like billy clubs.

***

{{TF Boy: never heard of it
{{Jim: That’s because you’ve never heard of it
{{TF Boy: good point

***

Ryan: Is it gay that I like Fall Out Boy?
Jim: Only if I’m gay too.
Ryan: Let’s be gay together.
Andrea/Marcus: now THAT’S gay!

***

Ryan: Marcus, there’s no shortage of Ry in supply.
Andrea: Ryan, that has to be the gayest thing you have ever said, and you’ve said some pretty gay things.

***

{{Marcus: If you feel an incredible wave of potent and lethal evil as you approach my car, don’t worry. That is just me. :)
{{Jim: And if you feel an incredible bullet through your skull, don’t worry. That’s just me. ^_^
{{Marcus: Understanding is fun.

***

Jim: I can’t park there. It’s handicapped.
Marcus: Well you DO have a mental deficiency.
Jim: Yeah, but I don’t have a sticker for it.

***

{{Jim: Mac Tonight never second guesses himself.
{{GX: Mac Tonight died by giving himself all the STDs in the world.
{{Jim: But he had fun while doing that, dang it!

***

{{Jim: Michael Jackson will be mad at me, but he’s still dead so what’s he gonna do?
{{Marcus: YEAH. WHAT YOU GONNA DO JACKSON?
{{Marcus: YOU CAN’T GRAB YOUR CROTCH WHEN YOU ARE DEAD?
{{Jim: Unless that’s how they laid him in the coffin.
{{Jim: Which… wouldn’t surprise me for some reason.

***

{{Jim: And the reason it makes me feel so stupid is because I suggested that to myself the very first time it happened, but I figured there was no possible way that was the problem.
{{Jim: And then Occam’s razor slit my wrists.

***

Marcus: Luckily we’re all superior to Jim in every other way.
Jim: I can think of one way I’m superior.
Marcus: Jim… Don’t brag.

Andrea: Don’t worry, I have a plan.
Ryan: She has a Plandrea.

***

Marcus: Okay, Ry Ry.
Ryan: Marcus, I reciprocate your gay undertones.

***

Marcus: You can do it, Ryan!
Jim: You think?
Marcus: [Scoff] No.

***

Marcus: Six or higher, Ryan! Six or higher!
Joe Mack: You called me Ryan.
Marcus: Shut up, Joe.
Ryan: We are both insulted in equal parts, Joe.

***

Super Dave: We could all watch it and not invite Marcus.
Marcus: Just like normal.

***

Jim: I’m gonna poison your salad.
Derek: I didn’t order a salad.
Jim: …Somebody in this restaurant who isn’t you is going to die tonight.
Derek: Horray! Win for me!

***

Jim: You’re racist.
Marcus: I’m not racist. I’m culturally ignorant.

***

Ryan: Jim laughed so it’s okay.
Jim: I didn’t laugh. I wanted to kill you. There’s a difference.

***

Jim: Marcus?
Marcus: Yes?
Jim: How are you?
Marcus: Adequate.
Jim: That’s suitable.
Marcus: Excellent.

***

Marcus: This is a multi-step plan. Step one: nuke France to the ground.

***

Joe Mack: And what do vampires do?
[Joe mimics neck attacks with fingers]
Jim: And they can fly.
Joe Mack: Yeah, some have flying.
Jim: And sometimes they sparkle.
Joe Mack: I’m going to punch you.
Jim: That was the correct response, Joe.

***

Ryan: I’m not allowed to be nice.
Marcus: Well, you’re not very good at it.

{{Jim: Double double, toil and trouble. How does your garden grow. One for the master and one for the dame, and here comes a chopper to chop off your head!

***

{{GX: Oh! That reminds me! I caught a Kangiskhan in the Dream World today!
{{Jim: Did it cleave off your head?
{{GX: I don’t think you read the thing I typed.
{{Jim: I read it. I just live in my own little world.

***

{{Joe Mack: LOL, I feel like part of my teenage years has come to an end…finding out that his real name isn’t Random ;-(
{{Jim: But wait. You read Mirrors. I called him Anthony in Mirrors. o_O
{{Joe Mack: Shut up Jimmy.

***

{{GX: apparently the small bag of rubber bands I bought was pre-dryrotted for my convenience.
{{Jim: Those rubber band companies just love helping out the little guy.
{{GX: I’ll have to switch to my non-dryrotted bag.
{{Jim: Just like you to ignore the effort the rubber band companies went though.
{{GX: No, I admire the effort.  You can tell by how carefully and elegantly I threw the bands away.

***

{{GX: Describing one’s wit it is like describing how one draws a dog. Oh, I’m sorry, did you want an explanation for that simile? Well, I’m kind of busy, but if you absolutely need to know. Some will draw a very refined, clean, photo-esque dog. Others will give him big cartoon eyes, and maybe a bow tie. Some will even flip you off and go watch MTV instead. And of course, we have those who feel that the dog could use a few extra limbs, or those who dress him up as Spiderman (or Batman, for those of you more DC-inclined), and of course, those who light the paper on fire and eat the resulting ashes to gain the paper’s power. Yes, wit is like all of those things, just as satire is like drawing a mongoose, parody is like drawing a flying cobra, and physical comedy is like drawing a cloud as a heavy object impacts your groin.

***

{{GX: Innuendo Force is measured in Sexy Newtons.
{{Jim: I’d rather use metric. What’s the conversion to Sexy Joules?
{{GX: 1/69.

***

{{GX: AH! YOU’RE CHANGING THE TOPIC TOO QUICKLY! THE CONVERSATION CAN’T TAKE MUCH MORE! IT’S BREAKING UP!!!
{{Jim: You’ve got to give her more, Scotty!
{{GX: That’s what she said.
{{Jim: …But… but… Scotty’s old. And fat. o_o

***

{{Jim: Hey everyone! Let’s go watch G-Savior! =D
{{Ryan: I’d rather die.

{{TF Boy: I AM READY FOR THE HURRICANE!
{{Jim: Oh yeah, I forgot you were about to get pummeled.
{{TF Boy: I’m moving back to my family home for the weekend because my apartment is flimsy and old and hipstery and who knows what could happen!

***

Yuki: You didn’t eat your pickle or coleslaw.
Jim: I don’t like them. Do you want it?
Yuki: Ew, no, I don’t like them either.
Jim: Then why are you judging me!?

***

Marcus: I’m just used to being angry around you.

***

Joe Mack: Out of all the Marcuses I know, you’re the best one.
Ryan: Marcii?
Marcus: I prefer Marctopodes.

***

Jim: Marcus, Ukraine doesn’t have snow. They have fallout.

***

Ryan: A watched candle never boils.

***

Ryan: Joe, hearing your character speak gives me herpes.

***

Ryan: SEED Destiny bent my penis at a right angle, and not in a good way like Metal Gear Solid.

***

Marcus: Like you could hit Jim’s penis.
Ryan: Marcus, I used to bullseye womprats in my T-16 back home.
Jim: And those are two meters, like my penis.

***

Ryan: I hope you are the sleaziest corporate shit. I can’t wait to kill all of you.

***

Jim: No one STARTS at cocaine!

***

{{GX: Quick! Steal his organis for some reason!
{{Jim: Nah, the black market moved out of this part of the state.
{{GX: You don’t know about their website?
{{GX: They donate stolen organs to people who have had their organs recently stolen.
{{Jim: I don’t know… sounds like a pyramid scheme.
{{GX: Oh, it is.
{{Jim: Sign me up then!

***

Jim: Because he’s about to rape the BALLS off me.

***

Jim: Well he’s got telekinesis in his penis.
Ryan: Telekipenis!

***

Jim: Let’s double team his balls.

Marcus: Andrea, are you a vampire?
Ryan: She sucks SOMETHING.
Marcus: That’s not the response I wanted.

***

Jim: I don’t know what your problem with centaurs is, you racist.
Derek: They’re taking all my jobs. I don’t know why someone would hire an average Joe when they could hire a guy that has horses for feet.

***

Super Dave: Why did you change the song? I thought you were from the Philippines, not the Philistines.

***

Dac: It is literally raining cats and dogs right now.
Super Dave: That’s not true.
Derek: Dave, I will literally run you over with the lawnmower.

***

Dac: We’re the fucking shit!
Super Dave: Yeah, I remember us being shit.

***

Marcus: Whitney. Don’t be distracted right now. Chris is about to fail.

***

Jordan: Why don’t you ever gain weight?
Jim: I think it’s all part of a mindset. My mindset is that I don’t answer STUPID QUESTIONS!

***

Jim: Why did he do that?
Super Dave: Because he came here with an extra chromosome.

***

Stripper: Look at my vagina!

Dean: …Because I have a big fold where my spine should be.

***

Jim: Well I’m going to go cuddle with Skitty because she doesn’t judge me because she doesn’t have a central nervous system.

***

Jim: You are a whore and a politician.

***

Jim: If you give a bunch of jock guys any sort of sphere and/or ovoid object they will magically split into teams, but they can’t pass an Algebra 1 test.

***

Dean: Sometimes you gotta slap a bitch in the dick.
Jim: I don’t know what kind of bitches you’ve been hanging out with.
Super Dave: The only kind of bitches Dean would ever be with.

***

Derek: This’ll be easier because you’ll be able to read Dave.
Jim: But he’s insane. He doesn’t have a tell.

***

Jim: Don’t make this about me.
Dean: I wasn’t making it about you. I was trying to include you. Sorry for trying to include you, Jim.

***

Super Dave: Sub Zero doesn’t know shit about gravity.

***

[Dac failed]
Dac: I didn’t see anything. Did you see anything?
Super Dave/Jim: Nuh uh.
Derek: I saw you fail.
Dac: Oh no, that’s what we’re pretending we didn’t see!

***

Jim: Dean is Microsoft Word.
Derek: That explains why it’s so slow.
Dean: How do you spell that… what’s that word? It’s like a stick with numbers on it? A ruler, yeah, a ruler!

{{Jim: I’ll tell you what’s not cute. The Silence.
{{Jim: http://www.bbc.co.uk/doctorwho/dw/characters/The_Silence
{{TF Boy: Dawww.

***

{{TJ: I AM ON MY OWN CRACK, BECAUSE BODIES ARE DESIGNED THAT WAY!
{{TJ: AND JAEGERMEISTER BUT THAT’S YOUR FAULT!
{{Jim: Bodies are designed to produce crack and distribute it freely into the blood stream?
{{Jim: Hmm, that one I have to take credit for, yeah…

Super Dave: How big is your deck?
Marcus: My dick- deck… dick… fuck.

***

Ryan: When I broke up with my ex, she punched me in the eye.
Andrea: Well, did you deserve it?
Ryan: Well I slapped her, but that’s like bringing a knife to a gun fight.

***

Ryan: I went to Haiti once.
Marcus: Really?
Ryan: Yeah, it shook me to the core.

***

Jim: What else is phallic? Let’s see.

***

Ryan: If you can be patient and not have Parkinson’s…
Brett: My tattoo artist has Parkinson’s.
Ryan: That’s not good!

***

Jim: Why does he have his coat on?
Derek: Because he’s cold.
Jim: Then why did he take off his robe?
Derek: Because he’s stupid too.

***

Super Dave: My hindsight is 20/40.

***

Super Dave: You’re like a train of thought hobo. You ride the thought rails and jump off at random points.
Marcus: Wouldn’t that make him super focused since he’s in the one car?
Super Dave: You’re like a guy who gets hit by a train.

***

Super Dave: I have an aunt who eats Crisco.
Marcus: Can you do that?
Jim: i mean, technically. But then again, you can eat batteries.

***

Super Dave: Marcus is all about some penis…
Derek [interrupts]: Yeah he is!
Super Dave: …jokes.

***

Derek [Sings]: Is there life on Maaaaaaars?
Jim: Yes. Spiders.

[Andy, Random, and Jonneh just called AAA to tow their car home.]
Jonneh: There will be two people riding back with the truck.
Random [Entirely sincerely]: But Andrew… What about our luggage!?

***

Jim: Okay, I’m finished molesting Andy.
Andy: Why are you molesting me?
Whitney: Why aren’t you sharing?
Andy: I don’t like this train of thought!

***

Alex: How did you read that?
Aki: Very carefully.
Alex: That’s how I got that horse into my room. Very carefully. Piece by piece.
Zee: I’m going to go this way because you scare me.

***

Attendee: My goal this year is to meet a guy.
Jim: You should meet Random. But you wouldn’t like him much.

***

Jim: Remember that time you plowed Andy?
Random: …with my fist?
Jim: With your penis.

***

Jim: It’s not bleeding, but it hurts.
Random: That’s me all the time.

***

Random: I caught the poor. It sucked.

***

Whitney: It’s like a Wii in my hand!

***

Jarrod: I threatened to shove fun down her throat.
Kate: That’s Jim’s job.

***

Kate: It is what it is.
Bayani: What else is it going to be?
Jim: Tautology!
Kate: Sod off, all of you!

***

Guy: I’m going to take one of these.
Jim: Well, I’m gonna kill you in your sleep!
Guy: You’d better!
Jim: Ah… Well…

{{Marcus: JIM, THIS IS THE INTERNET.
*** Auto Response sent to Marcus: It’s too nice not to be outside. So that’s where I am.
{{Marcus: I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT YOU’RE MISSING A WHOLE LOT OF AWESOME STUFF!
{{Marcus: I HAVE SO MANY COOL WEBSITES FOR YOU TO VISIT.
{{Marcus: JIM? ARE YOU THERE?
{{Marcus: I MISS THE SOUND OF ALL THE CLICKS.
{{Marcus: I’M….SO LONELY…

***

{{Danny: But I hate math. T_T
{{Danny: It hates me.
{{Danny: It even called me names.
{{Jim: But the best part is, you don’t have to do the math. Physicists do! =D
{{Danny: Like x=y/23 x 45.
{{Danny: It even called my mom a 2+2. =-(

***

{{Jim: Always trying to corrupt middle schoolers. D:
{{TF Boy: THEY NEED IT!
{{Jim: That’s a perfectly fair point.
{{TF Boy: I am doing my duty. D:

***

{{Jim: Could be another universe, or maybe a black hole is linked to the white hole and whatever falls into the black hole squirts out of a white hole in a different location in the universe.
{{GX: If it’s a black hole linked to a white hole, then what we have here is a wormhole.
{{Jim: I wanted to say that, but I was afraid there were too many holes in my argument. *Puts on sunglasses, YEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH*
{{GX: What an ***hole thing to say.

***

{{Whitney: You should show Chris that. XD
{{Jim: But he will throw me from the back of a moving train. ;_;
{{Whitney: :( That would not be good then.

Jim: Ryan has seen it. Do you really want to be less of a man than him?
Marcus: I can only imagine the things Ryan has seen.

***

Jim: And the booze store.
Marcus: What store?
Jim: Booze.
Marcus: Oh, I was thinking of Boos. [Marcus laughs like a Boo Buddy]
Jim: Oooh.
Marcus: Only problem is, it’s always closed when you look at it.

***

Andrea: Which one was Nemesis?
Ryan: The one where Data dies.
Andrea [Sternly]: I’ve never seen that one.
[Everyone busts out laughing]

***

Whitney: Hellboy was a good movie.
Jim: Actually it’s not, and I’ll tell you why. It’s on FX all the time.
Whitney: That doesn’t make it a bad movie.
Jim: Actually, I hate to tell you this, but…

***

Student: What’s that show with the magic school bus?
Jim: The… Magic School Bus…?